2017

2017...... was nice. I've learned a lot of things. Most importantly, I learned to be a better person. I felt like I'm a better person already in 2017. I mean, better than my own self in 2016, of course. And so many good things happen in 2017. Good music releases, unexpected achievements, first relationship, first break-up too, unforgettable memories. They were all nice. I was happy. But it's okay if it wasn't nice for you. I hope 2018 will be nice for both me and you. I have so many resolutions for this year. For examples; getting in to a good national university, learn to play bass guitar, release or make more OG stuffs and probably many more. But I'm not expecting any relationships at the moment. Still a bit shocked about my first one. I need some time to adjust myself.

I've developed new hobbies in 2017; analog photography & video making. Actually, I've been wanting to make cool videos ever since f(x) released their 'Pink Tape' art film. Random, I know. But I was, still am actually, obsessed with that video. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen when I was only 13. Can't believe it's already been 4 years since its release. The art film is still cool even if I watch it now. My analog photography hobby is going pretty smooth, the only problem is how am I going to develop my films with cheap price. Yes, the price for film developing and scanning is pretty expensive here in Jakarta. I ended up developing my first 2 films in Bandung with the help of my friend (shout out to kak Haruka). But nonetheless, despite my lack of skills, the pictures came out decently. Those first 2 films were just testers anyway. I've been using point-and-shoots cameras for this, I'll make sure to learn to use rangefinder next time. As for video making, there were 2 problems at first. The 1st one is the camera. My family didn't own a camera that is capable for video filming. Even our DSLR was an old DSLR, it was given by my uncle. It has no video filming feature whatsoever. However, that problem was solved. One day, our DSLR camera was stolen by a maid. Not long after that, Mom secretly bought a new mirrorless camera to compensate that stolen DSLR. Yes, secretly. I was the one who didn't get told about that camera. Un-fucking-fair. The 2nd problem is the software (and the skill, actually). Well, I actually own some good softwares. But I still don't now how to use it properly. I once use Adobe Premiere to edit my video. But once I exported my video, it didn't come out in high def. However, worry not, I just learned how to use it a couple of days ago through basic tutorials and surprisingly, the result was pretty decent. These are a series of videos that I shot while I was working for Teater Lorong Junior's show at TIM a couple of days ago. I compiled them into one then voila!

Also, I shot these on my birthday! Yay!

I've been thinking a lot about how to expose myself the people out there and only posting on Soundcloud won't do. So yeah, I'm kinda active now on Youtube after abandoning my account for years. I'm gonna use it for my video making hobby. One of the reasons why I was so happy during 2017 was because I was productive as fuck. I've made so many things and it makes me so happy. Not because I like the attention that people have been giving me, maybe that too, but the main (and important) reason is because I like making myself happy. I want myself to be happy. I made all of those mainly & importantly for my own pleasure. That should be something for everyone to apply themselves to. Don't do it for someone else, do it for yourself. Do it because you love doing it.

From my first relationship, I learned something. We were friends for 5 months before we actually went out. He was the one who liked me. I was the one who broke the tie. The reason? Because I realized that I have no feelings for him, that I like him not more than just a friend, that I was bored, that I no longer have any space for him in both in my brain and my heart, that I wanted to be alone, that I miss being alone & enjoying the fact that I am alone. It was a very selfish act, I know. But what you have to know is that the ennui was so severe, I listened to the same song about ennui in a relationship for 3 weeks straight (it's IU & Oh Hyuk's 'Can't Love You Anymore', by the way). That's, like, almost for a month. The relationship was too dull and there's nothing for us to talk about anymore. We just didn't match. But again, I broke the tie for myself, for my own happiness. I couldn't just force myself to keep the relationship in tact. If I do that, that just means I'm lying; to him & to myself. And he can't just fight for the relationship by himself while I'd be there, not minding him because I really don't have any feelings for him. That's not how relationship is supposed to be. Lesson learned; that to be in a relationship, two must fight for it. It's not just about oneself liking another person. It's about effort that has to be done by both selves.

While I thought I've changed and became a better person, I still think some people secretly dislike me. You guys know how bad my trust issue is. I tend to question things and overthink a lot. It's true, I have lots of likeable aspects. I have talents and some people also think that I am friendly. But some of them also probably regret knowing me. My personality is shit, this is a fact. I'm too serious, too honest, too ugly and too much of a jokester. All those shitty traits, one at a time. But then again, not all people are the same. They're all humans with different mindsets. I just wish they could be more honest with their feelings. I just want them to know that it's okay to be frank with me because of how much I despise sugarcoated lies. But, no, you know what? That's okay. Hate me. Hate me all you want. It's totally okay if you hate me. 

Because I hate myself too.