From 20 year old Noni to her mother

I've been crying hard, Mom. Today is the 2nd day of March in 2020, the day where I finally told you that I've bleached my whole hair. I thought you'd understand that I'm all grown up, I'm not a little girl anymore so I can do whatever I want to my own body. But I was wrong. Again. Little did you know, after seeing your reaction to it, it's finally my peak, my last streak of being vulnerable to you.

Mom, maybe you think you know almost everything about me, even to the core, to the most crucial and broken parts of me. But you're wrong. All these times you're wrong. I've hidden a lot of things from you, I decided to do that because I know you'd only blame me on everything and call me crazy. Everything that I've talked about with you, that was only the surface. Every expressions that I've shown you, that was just a mask.

Mom, it saddens me how I always look for you whenever I want to open up about something because I knew, at least I thought I knew, that you'd react wisely to it, yet you always end up disappointing me with your responses. You've always been the first thing that popped up inside my mind whenever something's wrong but every godforsaken time, I hold myself back because I've predicted everything, that you're only going to put all of the blames on me. I thought I could trust you but, again, I was wrong.

I'm not even crying because of your reaction to my hair right now. Right after you threatened me to change my hair color, a sudden waves of memories start to come through. I remember how annoyed you were when I couldn't do simple math back when I was still in primary school. You yelled at me, pinched me hard on the thigh, made my brother to teach me because you were too enraged while I held in my tears. I wish you knew I almost planned to stop doing music in 2014 just so I can do well academically and make you happy. I wish you knew how I almost planned to kill myself in 2015 because I thought I was just too dumb thus my whole existence in the family was only a burden. And I thought the suicidal thoughts ended there but no, Mom, it came back again in college. I've been thinking a lot about killing myself because of a lot of thing. Not just about you, but a lot of things. A lot of things I could not tell you. Dramatic, right? Of course, I knew you'd say that. I wish you knew how embarrassed I was when you decided to tell the whole family about my alcohol drinks experience. But I guess it's my fault, right? I shouldn't have drank alcohol. I've basically humiliated myself, right? Gosh, I can 't even start about how you always compare yourself to me, especially when I tried to be open about someone I like.

Look, Mom. I know you want me to be strong because you raised me so. You've been raising my brothers really well, that's great. But note that you're also raising a daughter. No matter how strong I look, I also feel a lot. I still have a fragile heart inside and you can't blame me for that. Is it not okay for me to cry when I'm heartbroken? Is it not okay for me to feel down when someone hurt me with their words? Do you expect me to be "strong" and get through everything all the time?

I've been crying not because of your reaction to my hair, Mom. It's just a stupid hair. There's so much more than just this stupid hair. And I wish you knew. But I can't tell you anything anymore. I'm sorry for I've been such a disappointment to you.

Surat Seorang Prajurit Muda Kepada Istrinya

"Aku pergi, Dik.  Jaga kesehatanmu untukku.  Jaga juga kebahagiaanmu untukku.  Tak usah berlarut dalam kesedihan. Pergilah yang jauh, kejar mimpimu.  Jadilah orang yang berguna bagi nusa dan bangsa.  Dunia ini luas, kau bisa lakukan apapun yang mau kau lakukan.  Bila kau tak sanggup melakukan itu, kembalilah ke orang tuamu.  Tak usah pikirkan aku.  Tak usah tangisi kepergianku.  Aku akan memperjuangkan kebebasan negeri ini dari penjajah.  Ini semua ku lakukan demi masa depanmu.  Jangan tunggu aku.  Aku sendiri tak tahu kapan aku akan kembali.  Mungkin hari ini, mungkin besok, mungkin lusa, atau mungkin tidak sama sekali.  Aku akan merindukanmu, Dik.  Bila aku mati, aku berjanji akan memohon kepada Tuhan agar bisa menemuimu untuk terakhir kali.  Dan bila kau melihat kunang-kunang terbang dan memancarkan cahayanya dari luar jendelamu, itu adalah aku.  Kunang-kunang itu datang membawa pesan yang telah ku titipkan untukmu.

Bahwa aku mencintaimu."

Wanita itu terus menanti.

Dan prajurit itu tidak pernah kembali.

Anthology

That's the title of the drama I've done watching just now. I watched it out of curiosity, actually. Jung Jaewon a.k.a ONE played so I got curious about his acting skill. It was a pretty decent drama with a simple story, pretty sure you've seen this kind of story is fan fictions already. But I'm not just gonna talk about the drama; I'm gonna talk about how this drama left this one particular question in me. Yes, spoiler alert. 

Soyi is the new girl in Nonsan, a small village in South Korea. She went there to stay for a while to live with her grandma & her uncle while believing that she'll leave to America in a couple of days. It was rough for her at first, not until the class' number 1 student, Jinhyun, wanted to make the school's annual anthology book with her. She didn't want to at first, even got beaten by her classmate who happened to have a crush on Jinhyun. But she ended up doing it anyway. She began to spend more times with Jinhyun, whom she realized that he was the same guy who burned someone's crop that night when she was walking around, looking for signal to call his mom. Naturally, Soyi revealed the problem within her family to Jinhyun, as if she trusted him already. But Jinhyun did nothing in return, makes Soyi got irritated. The peak of Soyi's dejection was when she attempted to run away and Jinhyun came to prevent her. Soyi realized that they shared the same unfortunate fate; while Soyi's parents got divorce, Jinhyun's parents aren't even his real parents. They were his aunt & uncle. While Soyi believed that her mom threw her away (which she actually didn't), Jinhyun mother really did throw him away. Jinhyun told Soyi that he tried to find his mom with only an address when he was seven. Instead of taking him back, his mom ordered him to "just believe that I died already". Soyi confirmed herself that she, indeed, fell in love with him. The next day, Soyi went to school only to find Jinhyun's seat is empty. Then, a classmate showed up saying that Jinhyun's family ran away, disappeared just like that. Soyi was devastated. She then went to school one more time to confirm his disappearance. It's true. It's all true. Then, there's this narration that hits me alot;

"Only then did I understand, he had disappeared completely from my universe"

And that makes me wonder how does it feel to find someone who used to be your everything suddenly disappeared? This does not include death. When someone dies, you can still see their body. Even if you can't, you know one thing that they've left the word for good. When someone disappears, you don't even know whether they're still alive or not. You don't know how they look like. You believe that they're still there but just no longer revolves around you. There are tons of names, hundreds of familiar faces. You want to find them but you can't. In the end, the only thing you can do is to wait for them to lead themselves back to you. I guess, that's just one of God's way to show us that the world is a big place, placed in a bigger place which is the universe.

2017

2017...... was nice. I've learned a lot of things. Most importantly, I learned to be a better person. I felt like I'm a better person already in 2017. I mean, better than my own self in 2016, of course. And so many good things happen in 2017. Good music releases, unexpected achievements, first relationship, first break-up too, unforgettable memories. They were all nice. I was happy. But it's okay if it wasn't nice for you. I hope 2018 will be nice for both me and you. I have so many resolutions for this year. For examples; getting in to a good national university, learn to play bass guitar, release or make more OG stuffs and probably many more. But I'm not expecting any relationships at the moment. Still a bit shocked about my first one. I need some time to adjust myself.

I've developed new hobbies in 2017; analog photography & video making. Actually, I've been wanting to make cool videos ever since f(x) released their 'Pink Tape' art film. Random, I know. But I was, still am actually, obsessed with that video. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen when I was only 13. Can't believe it's already been 4 years since its release. The art film is still cool even if I watch it now. My analog photography hobby is going pretty smooth, the only problem is how am I going to develop my films with cheap price. Yes, the price for film developing and scanning is pretty expensive here in Jakarta. I ended up developing my first 2 films in Bandung with the help of my friend (shout out to kak Haruka). But nonetheless, despite my lack of skills, the pictures came out decently. Those first 2 films were just testers anyway. I've been using point-and-shoots cameras for this, I'll make sure to learn to use rangefinder next time. As for video making, there were 2 problems at first. The 1st one is the camera. My family didn't own a camera that is capable for video filming. Even our DSLR was an old DSLR, it was given by my uncle. It has no video filming feature whatsoever. However, that problem was solved. One day, our DSLR camera was stolen by a maid. Not long after that, Mom secretly bought a new mirrorless camera to compensate that stolen DSLR. Yes, secretly. I was the one who didn't get told about that camera. Un-fucking-fair. The 2nd problem is the software (and the skill, actually). Well, I actually own some good softwares. But I still don't now how to use it properly. I once use Adobe Premiere to edit my video. But once I exported my video, it didn't come out in high def. However, worry not, I just learned how to use it a couple of days ago through basic tutorials and surprisingly, the result was pretty decent. These are a series of videos that I shot while I was working for Teater Lorong Junior's show at TIM a couple of days ago. I compiled them into one then voila!

Also, I shot these on my birthday! Yay!

I've been thinking a lot about how to expose myself the people out there and only posting on Soundcloud won't do. So yeah, I'm kinda active now on Youtube after abandoning my account for years. I'm gonna use it for my video making hobby. One of the reasons why I was so happy during 2017 was because I was productive as fuck. I've made so many things and it makes me so happy. Not because I like the attention that people have been giving me, maybe that too, but the main (and important) reason is because I like making myself happy. I want myself to be happy. I made all of those mainly & importantly for my own pleasure. That should be something for everyone to apply themselves to. Don't do it for someone else, do it for yourself. Do it because you love doing it.

From my first relationship, I learned something. We were friends for 5 months before we actually went out. He was the one who liked me. I was the one who broke the tie. The reason? Because I realized that I have no feelings for him, that I like him not more than just a friend, that I was bored, that I no longer have any space for him in both in my brain and my heart, that I wanted to be alone, that I miss being alone & enjoying the fact that I am alone. It was a very selfish act, I know. But what you have to know is that the ennui was so severe, I listened to the same song about ennui in a relationship for 3 weeks straight (it's IU & Oh Hyuk's 'Can't Love You Anymore', by the way). That's, like, almost for a month. The relationship was too dull and there's nothing for us to talk about anymore. We just didn't match. But again, I broke the tie for myself, for my own happiness. I couldn't just force myself to keep the relationship in tact. If I do that, that just means I'm lying; to him & to myself. And he can't just fight for the relationship by himself while I'd be there, not minding him because I really don't have any feelings for him. That's not how relationship is supposed to be. Lesson learned; that to be in a relationship, two must fight for it. It's not just about oneself liking another person. It's about effort that has to be done by both selves.

While I thought I've changed and became a better person, I still think some people secretly dislike me. You guys know how bad my trust issue is. I tend to question things and overthink a lot. It's true, I have lots of likeable aspects. I have talents and some people also think that I am friendly. But some of them also probably regret knowing me. My personality is shit, this is a fact. I'm too serious, too honest, too ugly and too much of a jokester. All those shitty traits, one at a time. But then again, not all people are the same. They're all humans with different mindsets. I just wish they could be more honest with their feelings. I just want them to know that it's okay to be frank with me because of how much I despise sugarcoated lies. But, no, you know what? That's okay. Hate me. Hate me all you want. It's totally okay if you hate me. 

Because I hate myself too.

sincerely, your sea.

I've been reading a lot of comments from people. They're praising my talents, skills and all. And sometimes, reading them makes me think whether I deserve or don't deserve the love that people have been giving me. It's true, not trying to be cocky here, I acknowledge that I do have the talents. But that's all I have. I'm not that good of a person. I just hope those people won't be disappointed once they know the real me. It's not that I'm hiding myself or wearing a mask, the Noni that you're seeing right now is just her being super cautious. It's because my personality is the type that wouldn't get accepted by everyone. Just like what I said, I am the sea. People may have been seeing the beautiful side of me from the surface, but they have to dive in to see more. Because not everyone would dive in, only some of them who's brave enough to do it.

She's just as beautiful as the sky when it's dawn.

"My favorite color is blood," she said with a smirk.